Author Guest Post - Susan Shapiro Barash (& a Giveaway - closed)

Readers, please join me welcoming Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships who’ll be guest blogging here today!

In Toxic Friends (St. Martin’s Press, 288 p, ISBN: 0312386397), Barash explores the ten types of female friends and shows you why and how women get stuck with the worst kinds, the ways to get “unstuck, and how to recognize a true friend.”

How Female Friendships Run Amok by Susan Shapiro Barash

One of the more curious aspects of female friendship is how strained it can become once two close friends no longer share the same circumstances. I call this, ‘the mirroring friend’ syndrome. It happens frequently and in all sorts of situations. For instance, one friend is on her third child and her best childhood friend is still single. Or a friend gets a promotion and her best friend loses her job. In these instances the women who once had parallel lives no longer reflect one another. And this creates tension in the relationship.

Another common scenario among women friends is when one of the two is ‘the misery lover’. This time the friends not only reflect one another, but they spend their visits with one another commiserating over their a)love lives b) work lives c) finances d) any of the above. Perhaps one friend has just had a string of bad luck, only to learn that her close friend is in a similar way. This is a bond until the tide turns for one friend and the other is still suffering. The misery lover pulls away and isn’t as available now that her friend’s life is sunnier.

Often the heart of the matter in the above situations is really about time. If friends don’t have the same lifestyle or situation, they don’t have the same schedule to do things together. One of the biggest complaints among my interviewees for my book, Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, is that their friends aren’t there for them. Part of the problem is that women hold the bar so high and expect so much from their female friends — someone is bound to be disappointed.

When this occurs, instead of ‘icing’ your friend or letting your resentment build up, it would be best to have an open discussion. Again, women don’t always have the stomach for this, but being able to talk about what ails you is the right idea. Instead of pulling away, why not say, “Look I know I’m too busy with my baby to do our long lunches, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Since women are quite upset when a friendship changes or the closeness lessens, the risk of an honest conversation is worth the reward. For the brave women who seek such conversations, the friendships can be repaired, or renegotiated, or at least both friends know where they stand, and there is no more posturing.

Gives me hope! I think I’ll call up some old friends today. What about you?

GIVEAWAY

The Prize

A copy of this book will go to one lucky reader.

To Enter
In the comments, tell me – Have you ever lost, or reconnected with, a friend? How and why did that happen?

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Deadline   Midnight CST of December 12, 2009.

Eligibility  US only.

Please read the Disclaimer. Good luck!

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